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September 20, 2005

The Bizzaro World of
D. James Kennedy

Who funded Roy Moore's 3-ton slap in the face to the First Amendment? D. James Kennedy. Who is working feverishly to make America the laughing stock of the world by sponsoring the Creation Museum? D. James Kennedy.

Today, with most televangelists content to ignore Christianity and focusing on self-help issues like weight-loss, the benefits of not screwing around on your spouse or the virtues of the Republican Party; it's nice that someone's not afraid to talk about objective issues like history and science. Unfortunately Kennedy's version of these subjects is a strange amalgamation of distortions and lies.

With a PhD from NYU, Kennedy has no business not believing in evolution. The Bible's the TRUTH, goddamn it, and no amount of evidence is going to change that fact. But that's only the beginning of his self-delusions. From the two creation myths in Genesis throughout the universe's entire 6000 year history, all of humanity have just been extras in a cosmic play with D. James Kennedy and his sheep in the starring role.

It's amazing to listen to his linier view of history. Christianity is often credited with ending slavery, advancing feminism and basically championing the entire liberal social agenda. Soon we'll see the day when fundamentalists take credit for gay rights. If conservative, Bible-thumping evangelicals have always supported modernity and the secular agenda we now embrace, who exactly opposed it?

During one of his recent dronings Kennedy laid out a brief history lesson where his god was the invisible hand of an imaginary linier history of man.

First he took the two contradicting birth narratives of Christ from Matthew and Luke and explained them as an act of providence. You see YHWH gave Augustus the idea to have a census and baby Jebus got dragged back to his pappy's home town of Bethlehem to comply, thus fulfilling prophecy. Now you might say that's total Bullshit, and you would be right. To follow Kennedy's "logic" you first have to believe that the author of the Old Testament Book of Micah could see the future. Then you have to ignore the future where this fellow who was from Bethlehem, "wastes the land of Assyria with the sword, and the land of Nimrod ...(and) deliver us from the Assyrian, when he cometh into our land, and when he treadeth within our borders."

In a second point Kennedy explains that Christopher Columbus was introduced to Isabella by a mysterious Monk in his moment of greatest despair. He then was able to convince her to fund his dream of a trip around the world. (I guess the monk is suppose to represent Christ, his pop or maybe that little bird they meld with.) Then, by providence, history was steered toward the establishment of the atheistic nation of Cuba. After all, Columbus never set foot on any land that would become the United States.

Finally D. J. Kennedy tells the story of Ben Franklin calling for a prayer during the Constitutional Convention. According to this yarn after the prayer everything just fell into place and Jesusland was born. It is true that Franklin called for a prayer and evangelicals love to tell this story when they make they're case that we live in a theocracy rather than a democratic republic. What they always fail to mention is that his call to prayer was rejected, not just because it would make them look weak, but because the founding fathers couldn't cough up enough cash between them to hire a preacher.