Hitler Wine Leaves Bad Taste in Mouth
A new Italian wine whose label features a portrait of Hitler doing his famous open palmed salute has recently come under fire by Europe’s anti-racism laws. The wine is produced to appeal to Germans and is already a big hit in Italy. Though German law forbids the use of Nazi symbols the wine has found a thriving market on the Internet. The cheerful “Sieg Heil” emblazoned on the label with a sober looking Fuhrer above the words “One People, One Empire, One Leader” is enough to drive you to drink. We here at the BFP have no taste for tasteless vino and are going to stick with our old stand-by “Fat Bastard” wine.

Great Apes Face Extinction
There are only 400,000 apes living today in Africa and Asia as compared to millions in the 19th century. Sure that sounds like a lot of monkeys but Asia and Africa are big places. And don’t think they’ve all moved to America. I don’t think we have 5 great apes in the entire metropolitan area. Scientists worry that if something dramatic isn’t done to curb the declining birth rate there may be no Gorillas or Orangutans left in as few as 50 years. Here at the dawn of the 21st century the only big monkeys whose population is on the increase are human beings.

FDA Debates Ban on Nicotine Water
Anti-tobacco organizations are up in arms over the new product called “Nico Water.” The nicotine H2O produced by the company Quick Test 5 is designed to satisfy smokers’ cravings without offending the people around them. The product is marketed as a dietary supplement and homeopathic drug. Since neither second hand smoke nor tobacco are issues here, we can only conclude that the pressure is being applied to the FDA by uptight hippies seeking revenge on the establishment for not being allowed to smoke marijuana. Keep an eye out in years to come for a competing product, “Bong Water.”

Caffeinated Milk Hits Market
“Hyper Cow,” the new high-octane milk, hopes to be the next big thing among teenagers. The packaging includes a groovy cartoon cow whose slogan is, “shut up and drink.” Flavors include Straight Up Strawberry, Chocolate Shock and Mean Mocha Cappuccino. Nutritionists are unsure how to react to the new beverage. Getting kids off cola and onto milk sounds good, but is it worth the price? Do we really want our youth strong, healthy and hyped-up on caffeine?

3-D Computer Screens Next Big Thing
Though a lot of us believe the personal computer was perfected in 1993 a few innovations will soon be raising eyebrows even among the most jaded nerds. NEC is about to release a laptop with a battery that lasts up to 40 hours. Despite amazing advances in technology, batteries haven’t gotten much better over the past half-century. Up until now laptops have only been portable desktop computers, useless for afternoons at the beach, let alone camping trips. That will all be changing soon as methanol fuel cell powered models become available that will stay charged for an entire workweek. Still, that’s nothing compared to the coolness of the new 3-D screens that gamers will be hounding after by next summer. The screens work by sending two different images in slightly different directions. No annoying glasses needed. As long as your head is positioned about 20 inches from the screen the full color graphics will come flying out at you.

Southern Drawl Fools Software
The police department in Shreveport, La. had to remove its voice-recognition equipment that it had installed to handle non-emergency calls. As it turns out the thick Southern drawls of the callers were too alien for the software to decipher. According to police officials, “the system often doesn’t recognize what they say.” Southerners should recognize this as pure discrimination and demand voice recognition equipment that is designed to understand proper English as it’s practiced south of the Mason-Dixon line. As we all know it’s the Yankees who talk funny.