Wine Leaves Bad Taste in Mouth
A new Italian wine whose label features a portrait of Hitler doing
his famous open palmed salute has recently come under fire by
Europes anti-racism laws. The wine is produced to appeal
to Germans and is already a big hit in Italy. Though German law
forbids the use of Nazi symbols the wine has found a thriving
market on the Internet. The cheerful Sieg Heil emblazoned
on the label with a sober looking Fuhrer above the words One
People, One Empire, One Leader is enough to drive you to
drink. We here at the BFP have no taste for tasteless vino and
are going to stick with our old stand-by Fat Bastard
Apes Face Extinction
There are only 400,000 apes living today in Africa and Asia as
compared to millions in the 19th century. Sure that sounds like
a lot of monkeys but Asia and Africa are big places. And dont
think theyve all moved to America. I dont think we
have 5 great apes in the entire metropolitan area. Scientists
worry that if something dramatic isnt done to curb the declining
birth rate there may be no Gorillas or Orangutans left in as few
as 50 years. Here at the dawn of the 21st century the only big
monkeys whose population is on the increase are human beings.
Ban on Nicotine Water
Anti-tobacco organizations are up in arms over the new product
called Nico Water. The nicotine H2O produced by the
company Quick Test 5 is designed to satisfy smokers cravings
without offending the people around them. The product is marketed
as a dietary supplement and homeopathic drug. Since neither second
hand smoke nor tobacco are issues here, we can only conclude that
the pressure is being applied to the FDA by uptight hippies seeking
revenge on the establishment for not being allowed to smoke marijuana.
Keep an eye out in years to come for a competing product, Bong
Milk Hits Market
Hyper Cow, the new high-octane milk, hopes to be the
next big thing among teenagers. The packaging includes a groovy
cartoon cow whose slogan is, shut up and drink. Flavors
include Straight Up Strawberry, Chocolate Shock and Mean Mocha
Cappuccino. Nutritionists are unsure how to react to the new beverage.
Getting kids off cola and onto milk sounds good, but is it worth
the price? Do we really want our youth strong, healthy and hyped-up
Computer Screens Next Big Thing
Though a lot of us believe the personal computer was perfected
in 1993 a few innovations will soon be raising eyebrows even among
the most jaded nerds. NEC is about to release a laptop with a
battery that lasts up to 40 hours. Despite amazing advances in
technology, batteries havent gotten much better over the
past half-century. Up until now laptops have only been portable
desktop computers, useless for afternoons at the beach, let alone
camping trips. That will all be changing soon as methanol fuel
cell powered models become available that will stay charged for
an entire workweek. Still, thats nothing compared to the
coolness of the new 3-D screens that gamers will be hounding after
by next summer. The screens work by sending two different images
in slightly different directions. No annoying glasses needed.
As long as your head is positioned about 20 inches from the screen
the full color graphics will come flying out at you.
Drawl Fools Software
The police department in Shreveport, La. had to remove its voice-recognition
equipment that it had installed to handle non-emergency calls.
As it turns out the thick Southern drawls of the callers were
too alien for the software to decipher. According to police officials,
the system often doesnt recognize what they say.
Southerners should recognize this as pure discrimination and demand
voice recognition equipment that is designed to understand proper
English as its practiced south of the Mason-Dixon line.
As we all know its the Yankees who talk funny.